Before going to Cambridge, you’d have thought all Cambridge students were the same - posh, arrogant and boring. Don’t worry Freshers, we’re not all like that (#notallcambridgestudents) There’s a whole host of stereotypes, all as equally irritating as the next!

The Edgy ARCSOC Girl

It takes a lot of effort to look like you don’t care.

Edgy ARCSOC Girls insist they love house music. But honestly, does anyone actually go to Turf for the music, or is it just for the ‘candid’ black and white photos? No wonder Edgy ARCSOC Girls take so much MD - how else would they dance to music that sounds like S Club 7 on speed? Pre-drinks are replaced with a Class A buffet because they need to battle through Turf to get those ‘candids’ somehow. No cocaine, no gain.

But do you really like house music if you don’t wear fake vintage? These days, spending all your money to look poor is the ultimate sign of being Edgy. ‘Oh this? It’s from Oxfam, vintage and it was only 4 quid!’ In reality, Daddy bought it from a designer label in China – but it’s not Edgy to spend money on anything that can’t be snorted.

The Drinking Society Lads

Fresher females, be wary.

You’ll go to a swap, eager to ‘talk to some new guys!’ Problem: these ‘new guys’ are Drinking Society Lads, and they don’t really talk. Instead, they communicate through repetitive sexist chants. ’GOOD TITS BAD TITS’ is a wonderful example. It sounds pretty benign (maybe they’re simply breast-obsessed?) but it has a more creepy translation: “Lift your top up so we can give loud cheers to the best tits, because we’re misogynistic pigs!” When translating their ‘shit chat’, just assume it’s sexist and you’ll get the gist of it.

Don’t worry, the Drinking Society Lads have more to offer than shit chat. They also like breaking things! Sinks, tables, plates, their dignity, etc. Drinking Society Lads typically consider themselves to be above the ‘townies’ and their property (even when they’re lying face down in a pool of piss and the restaurant owner is literally standing over them.) You see, Drinking Society Lads are the future of the country. Might as well start smashing sinks and progress to crashing the economy.

The 'Never-Studies'

“Oh god, I’m still drunk at 2pm! I haven’t worked in ages – four essays behind! Almost had to go Addenbrooke’s last night, hashtag LAD-enbrooke’s! Did you know I’m really behind on work?”

The Never Studies is Always Stressed, and they want you to know it. Not only will they verbally tell you this given any opportunity, they’ll leave ‘subtle’ visual cues. Example: stacking empty coffee cups on his library desk. Why bin them, when you can keep one as a trophy for another sleepless night? Their social life must be crazy if they’re so behind on work! (They went to Fez for one hour, got a photo as evidence of ‘the sesh’, then got a taxi back to college for a good night’s sleep).

They’ll get firsts, but vehemently deny having read the reading list. Obviously they must absorb it through their forehead when they ‘fall asleep’ face down on their notes. Must come in handy when they need to quickly cram for all those mysterious essays that are assigned to the Never Studies, but not to any-one else on their course.

The Perfect Student

Genius is 10% talent and 90% telling everyone how hard you work.

Eating breakfast? The Perfect Student will tell you about their 4am wakeup time (Thatcher only slept four hours a night, you know!) Pre-drinks? They’ll tell you that alcohol messes up their 14 hour revision schedule - yes, they know it’s October. 

They even go to lectures, and they’ve never turned up drunk or high!  They sit there being all sober and classy, next to a Mess who’s never made it to a Thursday 9am without being intoxicated. The Perfect Student makes notes with coloured fineliners for their studyspo Instagram, while the Mess falls asleep and the few words they’ve written are imprinted on their forehead. Honestly, The Perfect Student deserves a Nobel Prize for putting up with this rabble.

They do socialise too, you know (a Forbes article said that successful people have healthy social lives). But it must be the right sort of social interaction – study clubs are acceptable, clubbing is not. After all, what would Edison do? He certainly wouldn’t waste his time downing VKs and slut dropping to Beyonce.

The Rower

Everyone writes articles about the stereotypical rowers, so I might as well hop on board. (Get it, on board, like a boat? Funniest thing I’ve written this article).

Rowers will target you, Freshers. They’ll tell you how beautiful it is, waking up to see the sun rise over the lake, but have they ever seen the beauty of the sun rising when you’re drunk? Sure, we’ve never experienced getting nippy nipples on a boat in murky water, but why would we want to? We’ve experienced something far better. It happens in those moments after you leave Turf, covered in sweat and other miscellaneous fluids, thinking you can’t go on. Then, you are resurrected by Van of Life’s cheesy chips. Look at those glorious golden beacons of hope, the trophy for surviving Turf! Do the Rowers get cheesy chips in stuffed in their Boat Race trophies? No, I don’t think so. Argument settled: don’t take up rowing, begin the beautiful voyage of a moderate alcohol addiction!

The Networker

They are Cambridge’s Tom Riddle, slowly becoming Lord Voldemort. They have split their souls, ready to sell to potential employers. But, splitting their soul between seven firms isn’t enough though. They keep going until they’ve applied to over fifty firms, each online test destroying a small part of them, but it's the price to pay for eternal money.

Just like Voldemort, they don’t care about an invisibility cloak. They want everyone to know just how successful (ie. soulless) they will be. “Oh, this suit? I’m going to another networking event! Although I probably don’t need to go, did you know I have a summer internship with Goldman Sachs? Oh, I already told you?” Yes, you already told everyone. Please don’t.

The Journo

Writes clickbait articles about student stereotypes.

The Fresher

This is where you fall. Look at you, all grown up! (Mummy needed to show you how to use the college washing machine before she left, but no one has to know that.) Don’t worry, you’re sooo ready for the sesh – bet you don’t even gag when you drink vodka! You’ll pretend you’ve had lots of sex, smoked loads of weed and had a ‘really great time’ at sixth-form. The reality was you had no social life because you were too busy selling your soul for a place at Cambridge. Now here you are, you made it. Have fun becoming another stereotype.

All illustrations by Marina Scott