Hello, darlings. For those of you new to the column, welcome! I’m Kate, and for the next 8 weeks I’ll be the Splinter to your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, the Obi-Wan to your Anakin Skywalker, the drunk woman in Liverpool telling me to get out more to your… me. For those of you who’ve read my column before, ta for sticking around, I consider you a close friend and an asset to the resistance.

For those returning to Cambridge, I hope you’ve had a great break and are ready to tear this term a new one. However, this week’s column isn’t for you. This week’s column is for those of you coming to Cambridge for the first time: the freshers. First year at Cambridge felt like a Ryanair flight before they all got cancelled (heads-up for column newcomers: contrived similes will feature prominently). You spend ages waiting for take-off (though some people can afford priority boarding), the flight is a lot faster than you’d expect, the cabin crew are pretty vague about the safety briefing, and there’s a fuck-load of turbulence. However, when you get off, you’ve got a sense of camaraderie with your fellow passengers. And, most crucially, you didn’t die. Maybe you even got a hot chocolate on board. Go you. First year is about working stuff out for yourself. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a cheat sheet. Let’s get cracking.

1. YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HERE

Nobody made a mistake. You got your results. You’re like the Batman of A-Levels (bit of a shite title, but we can work on it). You might feel imposter syndrome creeping in (I sat through a lecture in first term on the verge of tears because the only word I understood was ‘fuck’), and if it does, I can recommend noting down three good things about yourself. Even if one of them is “I know all the words to Eminem’s ‘Without Me’.”

1a. ADDITIONAL NOTE

If anyone makes you feel like you shouldn’t be here because of your race/gender/religion/sexuality/class background/etc, they’re wrong. They’re also an arsehole. And all of us, I think, could do better at encouraging each other, calling out hate, and being active in solidarity. We’re not all in the same boat, but that’s great. We’re in different boats from different places, but we’re forming a kind of fleet – a bit like 'Dunkirk', only without Harry Styles and also it’s not a film or historical event.

2. IGNORE THE BULLSHIT

Cambridge is full of bright people. The thing about bright people is that they get nervous about not being as bright as everyone else. People will lie about how much/little work they’ve done, what they have/haven’t read – and it’s understandable. What’s important is that you focus on yourself. What someone else considers the right amount of work might be different to what you consider the right amount of work, and that’s because you’re different people. Some people are night workers, some people are early risers, some people have read Plato, some people couldn’t give a rat’s arse. Everyone has their own thing. Stick to your guns, cowboy, don’t let them shake you.

3. MAKE FRIENDS

Both as easy and not easy as it sounds. Making friends takes time, but no matter how weird or wonderful you think you are, there will be someone with some common ground. Invite your neighbour for a cup of tea, speak to someone in a queue (queue friends are a special breed), join a society, dance with strangers, ask to borrow a pencil in a lecture, bond over the fact you both write in pencil (seriously, who are you?), fall in love, marry, invite me to the wedding. Sorted.

4. ASK FOR HELP

Coming to university is liberating, but it’s also terrifying. If you’re finding things tough, there will be someone you can talk to: a college or CUSU rep, your college family, your actual family, your friends, your tutor, a charity, and if all else fails, I’d be up for a chat. Not promising I have all the answers (unless the question is ‘what’s the best Justin Timberlake album?’*) but I might be able to help you find someone who does. Keep safe, have fun, and remember to breathe. See you next week.

*Justified. It’s Justified