You’ll be excited to learn that Cambridge University is in the news again this week. What ever could be the story this time, I hear you ask. Yet more links to slavery uncovered? More corruption inside the university’s corridors of power? Another drinking society revealed as a front for an illuminati-confirmed death cult? Well, not exactly.

For perhaps the first time in it’s 810 year history Cambridge appeared on the right side of the news - sparking jubilation from the entire town, except from a man called Neil.

Why is Neil so unhappy? That is a very good question. It seems Neil was completely enamoured by Cambridge’s dubious history and wished nothing more than to see it continue. Neil seems to have fundamental problems coming to terms with the fact that we do in fact live in the 21st Century.

Allow me to set the scene.

“Neil turned his irrepressible anger to the internet.”

It was a bright sunny day on the 16th May 2019. The birds were singing, children were playing and humble townsfolk went about their daily lives with a smile in their heart and a tune on their lips.

Up at the Cambridge University Hospitals, a grand unveiling was taking place. The Hospitals’ Twitter account alerted internet users that from 12 until 2pm the next day, the new Rainbow Badge was being unveiled. Cambridge News quoted the NHS explaining that “the badge is a reminder that you can talk to our staff about who you are and how you feel. They will do their best to get support for you if you need it.”

At this point our villain, Neil, enters the story by turning his irrepressible anger to the internet. Upon seeing advertising for the new Rainbow Badge Neil felt personally wounded. He calmed himself using his favoured Tantric breathing exercises and calmly tweeted in response “how about a straight badge”.

The Hospital refused to allow Neil to ruin the beautiful day, and in fact made it slightly more beautiful. Faster than you could say ‘wowzers trousers’ the good folks at the hospital had leaped into action to ensure Neil could feel comfortable too. Neil was the lucky beneficiary of an exclusive personalised badge proclaiming to all that world that “Neil is straight”.

Just in case we forgot…