A graduate’s inbox

Thank you for your application,

However, taking all into consideration,

We regret to inform you that this time,

You’re not even past the starting line.

In fact, due to circumstances unforetold,

All recruitment has been put on hold.

We appreciate your interest and endeavour,

The hours you slaved on that cover letter.

After ‘unfortunately’ you probably stopped reading,

But will end with something totally misleading,

Like, keep an eye on our latest openings,

And other futile conciliatory things.

Hi, your campus career service here!

Still looking for a job this year?

Your student debt is escalating,

And savings fast depreciating.

Your mates have all found employment,

Maybe give up now, avoid disappointment.

Anyhow, try these three tips to get ahead,

You can do while sobbing in your bed.

These vacancies may too assuage,

Yes, half are below the living wage,

But at this point can you afford to choose?

Haven’t got that much to lose.

Greetings! An invitation to interview,

Does 7am tomorrow work for you?

First, please complete a few simple tasks,

No outrageously inordinate asks.

5,000 words on why you would make,

Our desired candidate.

Following this we request,

You complete the numerical resonating test.

While you’re at it, redraft the UN resolution,

Providing a viable two state solution.

Shouldn’t take long to work through,

Not like you’ve got anything else to do.

Hi, aware its two months since your interrogation,

I’ll ignore our poor communication.

Anyway, bad news I’m afraid,

The shortlist, again you have not made.

Our mission you seemed to understand,

However, you did not show passion for the brand.

We will keep your C.V. here ‘on file’,

Beneath an ever-mounting pile.

We might perhaps be in touch,

But wouldn’t hold your breath too much.

Apologies for leaving you in the lurch,

Goodluck with your continued search