In the last month, hundreds of thousands of students have turned up at university campuses across the country after being told, “Oh that virus thing? We’ve got it sorted, mate.” After almost having their grades decided by an unfeeling, emotionless machine with no knowledge of the complexities of human relationships (Gavin Williamson), students yet again were in for a shock when they realised that “Netflix and chill” now means “Zoom calls with dodgy Wi-Fi.” To help you through these stressful times, here are some tips that are about as helpful as that A-Level algorithm.

• Remain In Your Household

The first term is a stressful and uncertain time for many students. This can lead some students to go on hunter-gatherer missions to other households in search of hummus. By remaining in your household you limit the spread of the virus, while maintaining the safety and integrity of your chips and dips.

“By remaining in your household you limit the spread of the virus, while maintaining the safety and integrity of your chips and dips”

• Limit Late-Night Drinking

Late-night drinking is often a high-risk activity. Much like gremlins, viruses operate on a “don’t feed me after midnight” basis. Therefore, to ensure the safety of your evening sessions make sure you are finished by 10pm.

• Exercise Regularly

Regular exercise and sport improves mental well-being and strengthens your immune system. On the way to the laundry room try to incorporate push-ups, jumping jacks and squats. It’s also a great way to get noticed and draw attention from your desired sex.

“Regular exercise and sport improves mental well-being and strengthens your immune system”

• Avoid Hallucinogenic Drugs

It can be tempting to have some shrooms with your breakfast or a tab of LSD after a particularly boring zoom lecture, but please try to refrain. Keeping to one-way walking systems is very difficult when you think you’re being chased by a dragon.

• Don’t Read The News

Students may wish to avoid reading news sites and publications in order to limit stress levels and concentrate on their studies. However, if you have masochistic tendencies, you may enjoy reading about the disaster caused by these rebellious “young people” showing up to universities across the country after being told to do so.

• Find Alternative Ways To Date

Many students are now turning to online dating as a means of pursuing meaningful relationships. There are many positives to these platforms. For example, you can change your background image and pretend you’re on a beach drinking rum, giving off the image of someone sophisticated and well-travelled.

• Keep 2 Metres Apart At All Times

This can be one of the trickiest rules to follow. The key thing to remember is that if someone from your course or college approaches you don’t give them a hug or handshake, instead give them a kick. This way you can playfully introduce yourself while ensuring that others maintain distancing guidelines.

These tips may (or may not) be helpful to you, but just bear in mind that if Dominic Cummings can drive 269 Miles to Durham half-blind, then we can all get through the rest of this academic year together.