Socially disinclined people worldwide have welcomed many aspects of our new socially distanced times, celebrating the end of the hugging epidemic and raising pertinent questions such as: why was jumping up and down to ear-splitting noise in a room packed full of sweaty people ever a thing? Having studied this discussion closely however, I realised a different question needed to be asked: is social distancing really a blessing for the socially disinclined or has it merely recreated old forms of social awkwardness?

As a somewhat socially disinclined person myself, I have analysed this question in more depth.

Social Distancing: Pros and Cons for The Socially Disinclined

Pro:

It is now acceptable to cross the street to avoid people. You are being respectful.

Con:

If there is no escape, you might still end up doing the same awkward dance when you try to go past people. In fact, it is now more awkward than ever: ‘Oh sorry, sorry, I’ll go left- it’s okay, I tested negative on the asymptomatic test last week. Oh dear, maybe I’ll go right then, I mean it could have been a false negative, but- ok, left it is, cheers!’

Pro:

The mask has saved us from the struggle of choosing the right smile for the right occasion. Classics such as: the I-have-forgotten-who-you-are smile and the I-should-say-hi-but-you-didn’t-say-hi-last-week smile (more upper lip), or more specialised expressions, such as the no-I-didn’t-realise-I-hadn’t-plugged-in-my-headphones-thank-you smile, are no longer necessary. Thank God.

Con:

The mask has left a complete state of anarchy in its wake. Should you do the weird wave, the nervous nod, or the bizarre blink when you pass people nowadays? Whatever you choose, it’s going to be nasty, brutal and awkward. Best option: walking fast to make sure that the interaction is kept short.

Con:

The mask and your mumble do not go well together. Add a few metres of social distancing and absolutely no-one will hear you.

Pro:

Everyone knows Corona spreads through eye contact, so it is now okay to avoid it. (The Porters are clearly stuck in 2019.)

Con:

If you wear glasses and a mask you will regularly be unable to see. As if social interaction wasn’t hard enough before, you now have to rely solely on your hearing (and if it is too quiet, it probably means that the person you were talking to left or that you should tone down the sarcasm, or both).

Pro:

New opportunities to avoid social situations have opened up. There were breakout rooms? You didn’t realise! Also, Zoom social, who? What? Something is clearly wrong with your microphone. And camera. Dunno what. Oh, and on top of that your battery just died, so obviously you need to leave the meeting immediately.

Con:

Nobody buys it. Just launch the meeting and bob your head from side to side until the attention is diverted from you. If you ever want to speak, be prepared to interrupt everybody – that is, if you don’t want to fall into the ’No, you go first’, ’No, you go!’ trap.

Pro:

If the person speaking is going on and on, you can zoom out and pin whichever person has the most interesting background. (Make sure to add a nod every once in a while, but be careful: nod too vigorously and you might get asked if there is something you want to add.)

Con:

Unfortunately, there is a risk of hearing your voice catapulted back at you. And as we all know, the only thing worse than hearing yourself speak once, is hearing yourself speak twice.

All things considered, I think it is safe to say that social distancing isn’t really the blessing it is made out to be for the socially disinclined. But, remember the vaccines are coming, so before long it’ll be high time to start exercising your face muscles and practising your hugging techniques once more. On that final note, stay distant everyone!