With Lent Term now in full swing, many of us will likely struggle with the bizarre experience of spending the whole two months at home. Having spent half of Michaelmas term (or Autumn term, as it’s known to muggles) at home, I’ve already got a good grasp of just how weird it is attending university in the bedroom of your family home surrounded by edgy posters you thought were cool as a 15-year-old, but can’t take down now because then you’d have to admit that you’re an adult.

You agonised over whether you should spend another lockdown in your bedroom scrolling through memes on Facebook, or in your bedroom scrolling through memes on Facebook but with free food and better heating. You opted for the latter (free food obvs), and now you’re wondering how you can have the “Cambridge experience” from your very own bedroom in South London. Is it possible? Can the magic of a midsized ancient city with a lot of churches and a big Wetherspoons really be transported anywhere else?

Step One: After being home for a few days, it may be tempting to walk around in your pyjamas and forget that you might own other clothes, but if you want to have the real university experience, then you need to show off your fresh Cambridge merch at every opportunity. Your family might laugh at you when you show up to dinner in a gown or when you refuse to take off your college tie, but really, they’re just burning with envy that they can’t wear a college puffer jacket when they shower in the mornings. Warning: if you scream “my precious!” every time someone tries to touch your college scarf then you may have gone too far.

Step Two: Just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you can let your social life go to waste. The next step is to create a JCR or MCR to organise socials. Appoint yourself president and plaster the walls with posters notifying your family of the first bop of term. You may be slightly limited in what to serve at the party, as you don’t want to see your parents drunk, and you will have to enforce 2m social distancing at all times, which may be difficult in the garden shed. Your family might not appreciate you ruining “Bake-Off night” to throw a party in the shed, but they can voice their concerns at the next JCR committee meeting.

Step Three: Make sure you keep up the lingo. Once you start speaking Italian, you soon imagine that you’re on a beautiful beach in Sicily waiting for Giuseppe to come back with the Ferrari. The same logic applies to Cantabrigian. Keep speaking the language and you’ll soon find yourself on King’s Parade wondering how many of the tourists are morally dubious tier-crossers getting their final selfies in before sneaking back onto the train to King’s Cross. In order to fully immerse yourself, you’ll need to teach your family members the language as well. The next time your mum tells you to come to the kitchen for dinner, you need to set her straight: “Actually, mama, it’s the trough. Next time leave a message in my pidge.” It may take a while for your parents to get used to being called “bedders”, but it’s all part of the experience.

Step Four: If there’s one thing that encapsulates the magic of Cambridge, it’s punting. Don’t ask me why pushing a long metal stick through six inches of mud on a rainy day is elegant and historical; it just is. It may be difficult to think of ways to carry on this magic in your family home, but you don’t get far in Cambridge by quitting. Grab an abandoned bathtub off the street, drag it to your front garden, find a long stick or fallen branch and push yourself across the mud while smiling at envious onlookers. You will need to wear a boater hat at all times otherwise your neighbours will laugh at you for being criminally under-dressed. If you do find that a crowd has gathered on the street, then use this as an opportunity to give them a history lesson. “Did you know that Lord Byron kept a bear in my garden shed?” (You may need to bend the truth to keep them interested.)

If, after all these steps, your neighbours haven’t yet pelted you with bits of fruit and veg, and your family haven’t kicked you out, then voilà, you can enjoy the rest of the year knowing you haven’t missed out on a single thing.