Let’s face it, we’ve all been there – sitting down in January with a brand new notebook* (*a scrap piece of paper found on the floor), and writing a set of new year resolutions. New year = new me, a fresh start and all that.

With the arrival of a new decade, I shamelessly lived up to that cliché – after all, what better time was there to start planning? I could turn over a new leaf, finally put behind the procrastination of the previous year, and renew my ambitions. It was a chance to move forward and I felt like nothing could stop me.

Alexa, play Naive by the Kooks.

Yes, as you’ve probably gathered, there was rather a lot in 2020 that could stop me – and none of my plans went vaguely the way I imagined. In fact, I stumbled across my crumpled list of old resolutions the other day and they were so unbelievably full of nonsense that they gave my supervision essays a run for their money.

Without further ado, I present you with my list of nonsensical New Year’s resolutions:

1) Have more new experiences and travel more

Ah yes, let’s start with the most unrealistic one.

You know, I’m really not sure how naive little me thought my second year at Cambridge would be conducive to ‘new experiences’ and ‘travelling’ in the first place, but here we are. I’m always one for optimism, but I don’t think I could have gone more wrong if I tried.

“On the plus side, my cat’s never been happier”

Unless you count me travelling to the United States of the bath and toilet while making the frequent trek to the capital of the house (AKA the kitchen), I think it’s safe to say that this resolution has not been accomplished. In term time, there were days where the furthest I travelled was to the other end of my room – maybe the corridor, or even my college library, if I was feeling adventurous. The Tier Four life and January lockdown haven’t exactly improved the situation. On the plus side, my cat’s never been happier.

2) Establish a good routine

HA! Good one.

I commend anyone who has stuck to a good routine throughout all *three* lockdowns. After being in the same place for so long you’d think I’d have figured out something vaguely resembling a timetable. Think again!

Time and time again, I found myself confronted by the same old lie – TODAY will be the day where I wake up at 7am and replicate the lifestyle of a health guru.

That same TODAY was really the day where I’d roll out of bed at 11am, stay in my dressing gown until three in the afternoon, and spend half the day eating snacks rather than doing my work.

A particular highlight came during a lockdown essay crisis, when I’d confused myself so much that I forgot which question I was even answering. I decided to go downstairs for a bit of inspiration, and that is the story of how my mum found me sitting cross-legged and eating a banana in the kitchen at two o’clock in the morning. She wasn’t very impressed.

3) Do more exercise

Strangely enough, this one’s quite a mixed bag. Though the first lockdown mostly meant being stuck inside, the fact that we only had one token walk meant my family insisted on consistency. Every afternoon at three o’clock, we marched out to the local park whilst listening to BoJo’s broadcast, and walked a few laps around it. My Dad (un)fortunately got a Fitbit this year, so anything under 10,000 steps is basically a crime.

“I’d drag any willing members of my household for walks”

I suppose this motivated me to get outside a bit more last term, meaning I’d drag any willing members of my household for walks at various hours of the day (2am walk? I think so). I even went running at the beginning of Michaelmas to clear my head after a particularly troublesome essay crisis. I looked an absolute state (frazzled hair, no makeup, a fine shade of exhaustion under my eyes), but Homerton is very remote from the town centre, so it was bound to be peaceful and uninterrupted.

Surprise!

As I was running down to Midsummer Common, my former Music co-editor sprinted past me. After wondering how anyone could physically maintain that pace without collapsing, I proceeded to trip over my shoelaces and pause at the traffic lights. I then continued my field route and passed someone who looked suspiciously like my translation supervisor. Having run a small circle past the bridge, I realised that yes, this was in fact my supervisor, since I passed him again while he was speaking French on the phone.

Running slightly faster as if chased by my own paranoia, I continued uninterrupted for the grand total of five minutes until I bumped into some people from my course and stopped to say hi (why does this always happen when I’m hot and sweaty and have a stitch???).

And just when I thought I’d reached my limit of accidental encounters upon returning to the traffic lights, my DIRECTOR OF S T U D I E S cycled up right next to me with his baby son in the back seat.

I was very much the deer in headlights.

On the way back, I bumped into my friend and recounted my eventful run. Incidentally, that was one of my last runs in Michaelmas – I’ve been introduced to dance workouts and haven’t looked back since.

“I guess it’s all about balance”

4) Eat healthier

This one’s also a bit of a mix. My mum is very into healthy eating, so when I’m at home, my diet is filled with all things fruit and veg, chickpeas, quinoa, you name it. But I’m also the sort of person who won’t turn down chocolate, lemonade, pizza...you can probably see where this is going. At university, there were (many) days where I ate more cheese than vegetables and scoffed more cookies than I care to admit. I guess it’s all about balance.

5) Drink more water

Nope. My family is still convinced that I was a camel in my past life, though you won’t catch me drinking 40 gallons of water in one go. I’ve tried to stay hydrated, but often I just forget. My partner even got me a big water bottle as a form of encouragement, but what generally happens is: I fill it up, take a few sips and then…. it sits on my desk and stares at me for the rest of the week. Oops.

Verdict

Ultimately, I think I always knew that a new year wouldn’t equal a new me, but perhaps this isn’t a bad thing. At the end of the day, things don’t always go the way you imagine, but hey-ho, keep making those resolutions and see where they get you. Who knows, maybe they’ll provide inspiration and, if not, they might be a laugh to reflect upon. After all, hindsight is a weird and wonderful thing.