Hugo, a Boyfriend at St John’s college, Cambridge, has been reported to have an unhealthy relationship with allyship, in part because he doesn’t really know what it means. Around March 2021, it grew into a fully-fledged addiction and has been causing problems in his relationships ever since. We decided to conduct a group interview with the couple, mediated by Hugo’s therapist, which wasn’t awkward at all.

First, we spoke to his girlfriend, Emily, about the problem: “The first time I met Hugo was magical. When he told me how much he hated men, I was like, ‘Wow! Finally, someone I can get along with.’ But after that it started to get a bit annoying when, as he waxed lyrical about the idea of a male genocide, I realised he still couldn’t successfully wash a plate without me wrapping my arms around him like that scene in Ghost, which got impractical after the first few dates.”

When asked for comment, Hugo appeared very confused: “I dunno; when I first mentioned that they should have at least some rights, logically I thought doing more of that would add to the allure. But apparently, it’s all gone unappreciated. These females should make up their minds what they want from us, you know? I give up.”

According to his therapist, Dr Hobbs, Hugo is still in denial: “Addiction is a complex illness – and often it’s not easy, or even possible, for the person involved to realise it’s a problem. Like all other things in his life, he seems to find it difficult to take responsibility. Because of the illness, I mean.”

Hugo chortled in disbelief: “Is it an addiction? Or am I just the greatest, Woke-est man on earth?”

Dr. Hobbs continued: “He displays all the signs of addictive behaviour. He’s obsessive, and as you can see, defensive, over his compulsions. The initial high spiralled very quickly into hanging around the women’s toilets in clubs ‘for support’ or putting ‘fem’ before everything when talking to women. He even sold his copy of Infinite Jest. When I think about it, I’m actually not quite sure he understands what feminism means. At this point, he’s just lost to the high.”

Emily chimed in: “Yeah, I should have known something was seriously wrong when he kept referring to my classes as ‘fem-inars’. I just thought he was under the impression I did Gender Studies or something, but he kept saying it even after he knew I studied Engineering, then he started to call me a Fem-gineer, too.”

“I think what many men don’t understand, is that all we really want is to be treated like people. Being an ally is actually very simple: it’s not hating men, or reading feminist criticism, it’s just, you know, the whole being people thing. Maybe pretend that, instead of women, we’re just other men, and you’re gay; maybe that’s easier to understand? Problem is I’ve tried to explain it that way before to an ex, and he just thought that I was trying out roleplay. He was weirdly into it, though… that was a good night, now I think about it.’

Since the incident in question, Hugo has taken to using literally any possible platform to spark a friendly discourse on problems such as ‘Women are just impossible to please’ and ‘why are they all so complicated? FFS’, the most recent of which was discovered in the comments section of a 2018 Guardian recipe for ratatouille.

Emily has now given up dating for a while: “I just can’t be bothered; I’d rather have a wank.”