Here at Violet, we are lucky to receive a great many emails from new and innovative companies, and we have recently been afflicted by a particularly persistent one, who promised to get off our backs if we agreed to a partnership. Not to mention offering us a rather significant amount of money... So, without further ado: we are proud to announce that Violet is partnering with the one and only careers advice service — the Radiant Network!

The Radiant Network have just begun an application consulting course for students in statu pupillari at the University of Cambridge, and in a Violet exclusive, we sat down with Director Glen Higgs to discuss the new exciting scheme...

“Too many times have I opened a cover letter to see Times New Roman instead of Georgia”

Violet: “So, word has it you and your team have developed a unique method to help out students. We’re dying to hear about it.”

Glen: “Well, our programme is based upon the groundbreaking ‘Ground-up’ method, where we start by making sure students are aware that their current CV is deficient. This is accomplished through one-on-one mentoring by one of our three specialised bots: Posh-Josh, Brilliant Brijesh and Shiny Shelly. Through intricately crafted questions, such as ‘WTF is this?’ and ‘Did you know Mozart had already written all his sonatas by the age of 2?’, students report having eye-watering responses.”

Research backs Glen up: a survey revealed that a staggering 99 percent of students admit to having worse confidence about their employment prospects after only one session. But that is not all, as Glen explains:

“The Ground-up method encourages students to always think within the standard template, to impress even the haughtiest of Magic Circle firms. Too many times have I opened a cover letter to see Times New Roman instead of Georgia — sometimes even 11pt font?! Naturally, we are careful to beat such grotesque habits out of students, and the results are promising. We have testimonials from a number of Spring Week success stories who have learned to take the proper level of care.”

Glen tells us the story of a ‘radiant star’, Max Gordon, now at Goldman, who was so thorough that he didn’t notice he was pulling out his hair until he developed a bald patch. This, says Glen, is the dedication the programme inspires.

“We are passionate about ensuring that everyone gets the chance to get ahead of everyone else”

The Ground-up method provides clear pathways to achieving students’ goals, Glen assures us, with the first step being elimination of unprofitable commitments. At the top of the list is giving up your Netflix account, non-televised sport, and most importantly, sleep.

“This is enough to get you into the investment banks and consultancy houses,” Glen goes on. “But those hoping for a hedge fund or a respectable chance at the Bar will discuss cutting off friends, family and romantic relationships as the inevitable next step. And if students have hesitations, or find themselves growing content with their accomplishments, ‘Ground-up’ recommends constant comparison with the finest LinkedIn influencers. Or sending out around 120 rejected intern applications to ensure that humility is preserved and improvement always sought for.”

Before concluding our interview, we got up close and personal with Glen. We asked what drives him and the Radiant Network in their relentless work and his response perfectly captured the essence of his loving soul, free-thinking spirit, and logical mind:

“The most important thing for us is that each and every student is equipped to really stand out from the crowd — as they follow its every move. In other words, we are passionate about ensuring that everyone gets the chance to get ahead of everyone else.”

So, dear reader: these great principles and more await you! In only six weeks you will be transformed from an unproductive, socialising fool, to an enlightened and (soon to be) highly-paid maestro of the corporate world.

If interested, simply email Glen Higgs and he will discuss enlistment. Prices start at the bit of your soul not already bequeathed to the City.