Whether it’s the raging forest fires in California, the flash flood in Germany, or even the mini tornado that ushered in the start of the COP26, the climate is in the headlines. A myriad of words like net zero, green energy, and offsetting have polluted the news, the radio, the media for months. The endless talk has gone stale; it is now time to get serious about emission impossible

As we slowly boil to death in our own emissions, on a diet of 6oz steak and living in a sea of single use plastic, there is only one group of people to save us from our own ignorance. Let the avengers assemble! I present: the G20. The twenty richest nations in the world. Merkel, Macron, Biden, Trudeau and Johnson had a new mission: to prevent a global climate catastrophe. The enemy? 414.85 parts per million of CO2 globally. And global warming threatening to climb above 1.5°C. And the violent weather patterns making vast stretches of land uninhabitable. Oh, and don’t forget the twenty richest nations who are responsible for 92% of climate emissions. Indeed, these were our world-leading climate combaters, saving the world one vague carbon neutral promise at a time.

“The concept of taking a ‘train’ seemed to have conveniently slipped everyone’s mind”

Lined up in front of the Trevi Fountain, the mission commenced with a coin in the fountain for good luck. ‘Surely our climate combaters don’t need luck?’ I hear you cry. The coins catapulted into the air, shining in the Italian setting sun, and then hit the ground in a chorus of clinking. The fountain watched on; its waters undisturbed as every single coin missed. They may not need luck, but a large dose of common sense might have come in handy. The mission had begun, with all engines of stupidity fired up.

Of course, not everyone can be trusted to save the planet. Believe it or not, the G20 Green Team were entirely colourblind. There wasn’t a shade of green in sight as the jet engines assembled on the runway. Engines roaring, the smell of petroleum and burning tarmac filled the air from Rome to Gas-glow. The mission was off to, quite literally, a flying start. I mean, how can we save the world if we can’t get there? Everyone scratched their heads, but drew blanks; the concept of taking a ‘train’ seemed to have conveniently slipped everyone’s mind. After offsetting 0.45 tonnes of C02 each, they were ready to really kick climate change’s arse.

“As France has threatened to cut electricity to the island it can look forward to a lovely nut roast over the fire this Christmas, and to becoming the first country to hit net zero, whether they like it or not...”

But wait — hold on! A tornado threatened to pull the UK apart before Scotland does: even the climate crisis couldn’t stop a quick game of British and French battleships in the Chanel. With 40% of French fishing boats applying to fish in the Channel, it seemed Britain had this in the bag. The French hit back by detaining a British vessel. The planet may be burning, but in the last days of the apocalypse the British people must hang onto our cholesterol induced love affair with deeply battered cod. Liz Truss’s blood pressure pounded at the thought of school children missing their Friday Fish ’n’ Chips. Already deprived of a healthy planet, this was too much to bear. The unlikely victim in all of this? Jersey. As France has threatened to cut electricity to the island it can look forward to a lovely nut roast over the fire this Christmas, and to becoming the first country to hit net zero, whether they like it or not. Twisting his superhero cape awkwardly, schoolboy Boris ummmmed and ahhhhed and finally slammed the battleship board shut in defeat. Macron smirked. At home, Truss started frothing at the mouth. Ending in a stalemate, Jersey better start collecting fire wood for the winter.

Landing in Gas-glow, Boris’ balloon had already burst. “We have,” he gravely announced, “one minute to midnight to save the planet.” His blonde mop hung, dishevelled and limp. Shoulders slumped, Captain Doomsday’s superhero suit resembled an ill-fitting Halloween costume, eyes glassy like a child in the middle of a sugar crash. A harrowing realisation, for a man who last week claimed recycling was ironically, a load of rubbish. Newly educated on the climate crisis, the simple question ‘what’s your favourite tree?’ shouldn’t be too hard. A tree? What’s a tree? ‘Bluargghgh’ Captain Doomsday cried in despair. Don’t worry, Boris, at the current rate of deforestation, you won’t have to worry about them for much longer.

As the COP26 unfolds, will the Green Team be able to handshake, photograph and network their way to saving the world? Or will they find all the infinity stones in a sea of bureaucracy to stop the climate catastrophe? Is Leonardo Di Caprio, who had also donned his climate cape after climbing off his private jet, ready to save the day? Or is it an emission impossible? One thing’s for sure, it’s hard to declare victory when the true enemy you’re fighting is yourself.

Want to see it all resolved? Cue part 2 of Emission Impossible, in Violet next week.