Were I kooky enough to write this, Dodie-Smith-style, sitting in the kitchen sink, I would have a glorious view of the urban paradise that is my new garden; backing onto a tyre-fit factory it is nonetheless adorned with bronzing leaves and bowing vines of purple grapes (yup, really, grapes!). I am swiftly turning into Nigel Slater, wandering smugly around my unlikely vineyard, caressing my home-grown produce. To fully embrace this new persona it is necessary to think non-stop about ‘seasonality’. Regardless of food, we should appreciate autumn’s beautiful bright days, the sun lighting Cambridge like an unreal, shiningly beautiful film set.

Crisp and golden, beautiful but familiar: these horribly clichéd adjectives I’m resorting to to describe autumn are also relevant to its most seasonal produce: the apple. Apples are seasonally and topographically appropriate. Cambridge’s most hallowed alumnae have been inspired by this most humble fruit. One could (I wouldn’t necessarily do this in an essay...) boil the whole of Milton’s Paradise Lost down to a celebration apples’ deliciousness. Even the devil can appreciate their ‘fairest colours mixed, ruddy and gold’ and their odour more pleasant than ‘the teats of ewe or goat dropping with milk.’ DELICIOUS, eh. Centuries later apples still had a part to play. The University Botanic Garden boasts... wait for it... take a deep breath, this is pretty exciting... a descendant of the tree from which the apple may have fallen that may have inspired Isaac Newton’s discovery of gravity.

Great literature and ground breaking scientific discoveries pale in comparison, in my mind, when stood beside that simple yet absolutely genius human invention: an apple crumble. The perfect treat after a day of academic toil and revelations, the ideal food for thought, a crumble can be cooked in your college microwave, requires about 10 minutes preparation, cheap ingredients, readily available at Sainsbury’s, and is really easy to make, even for those of us who still don’t really understand the theory of gravitation.

How to make an apple crumble:

4 cooking apples
2 spoonfuls of sugar
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
3 cloves if you’ve got them
6 handfuls of oats (Sainsbury’s Crunch is perfect)

1.      Peel, core and roughly chop the apples

2.      Put these,  the sugar, cinnamon and cloves into a pan with a lid

3.      Stew on a low heat for half an hour

4.      Preheat the oven to 150ºC

5.      Put oats on top of stewed apples

6.      Bake until the topping is golden

If using a microwave: Cut apple into slices, sprinkle with sugar, cinnamon and cloves, top with oats and microwave on high for 10 to 12 minutes.

If you’re feeling adventurous add berries or plums or home-grown grapes (hair-flick).

How to make an apple turnover:

1.      Push it down a hill.