Having been here for nearly a year now, I’ve tried a fair few libraries as the seasons have passed. Some libraries have beckoned me back with open arms, whereas others left me wishing I hadn’t made the effort and had simply sent my supervisor an essay plan from the comfort of my bed. Love them or hate them, Cambridge libraries are pretty divisive — here’s what I’ve learned about their clientele.

Squire Law Library

First up, I hate to say this, because I imagine it’s what you want to hear, but you are a ‘Girlboss’. You have definitely hacked how to fight off hangovers and you make TikToks of the clean girl aesthetic. The Law Library is for the Seeley people who get up early. I have never actually entered into this arena of fire, but an anonymous source told me they get ‘Shark piranha vibes if you breathe’ here. Godspeed if you intend on trying it for the first time.

“You are interesting to talk to and your #sidgewicksitefashion is impressive”

Seeley Library

You are probably quite jarring. Sorry, I said it. This place is a jungle; if you can stomach more than an hour on the main floor, you have my respect, and you’re definitely assertive. You are interesting to talk to and your #sidgewicksitefashion is impressive, but please, the bonnets have got to go.

English

English Library dwellers are in a league of their own. You have to be committed to study here, as it’s not easy to find, which makes me think that people who work here are a decent combination of agreeable and a good laugh, yet in a serious ‘grindset’. You don’t take your degree too seriously and that’s a good thing — there’s a lot of timbre to your personality. You probably gave a big cheer when the ARC Café brought back the original mozzarella and basil pesto panini, and I back you for that reason.

“You are really, really intelligent and well-informed about something very odd”

Divinity

You are probably a bit odd, but I have no doubt you are really, really intelligent and well-informed about something very odd.

AMES

You are a kind soul. The light, leafy AMES library is wholesome, homely, off the beaten track, yet comforting — just like you. If you’re talking to someone and they reveal that they frequent the AMES library, consider it a big green flag. Immaculate vibes from this place.

Haddon Library

You march to the beat of your own drum. You are actually very cool; the more I think about it, the more I like your energy. If you come here, you’re probably a humanities student venturing to Downing Site, meaning you have the capacity to negotiate boundaries easily and hold your own even in foreign territory. Are you a middle child? Something to consider.

MML

Decent, upright people. Forward thinkers. You are the future.

Maths

You are quite dedicated to your degree. It was difficult to find sources to report on this library, you seem to be an elusive bunch. Amongst all these Sidge dwellers, sometimes I feel like trying to meet a Maths student is like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. Greetings, mathmos — I hope I get to get to know you better one day.

Earth Sciences

You must be truly committed to want to go here. In an email, this library described itself as a ‘dire and filthy place’. I only know it exists because my flatmate showed me a video attached to said email of a pigeon flying around inside the building. I don’t get the impression this place is particularly densely populated; not much to report here.

University Library

Huge red flag if ever I saw one. Enough said. Seek help.

Your college library

You are one unserious individual. Thanks for keeping it real; the college libraries are the places that you can really be yourself, I feel (apart from Caius, so intense). Your library snacks are elite, your library fits are the comfiest, your procrastination techniques are entertaining to watch. Long live the college library, I say!