Libra: It’s been a great week Libra! Especially since, if you took our advice, you’re channelling your Zen. There’s going to be a test of your New Michaelmas Mentality (NMM) this week. We predict some sensual delights; whether that’s a tasty Jack’s at the end of a long evening, or something a little less sweet, be prepared to laugh it off when the sun comes up.

Scorpio: Avoid Glitterbomb at all costs this week. Something disruptive lurks in those smelly, sinister corners - and if there’s one thing your humble Varsity astrologers get right, it’s that your energy needs protecting right now. Stay home; don’t venture down those dark and menacing steps this week, or there’ll be devastating consequences.

Sagittarius: I may have predicted Virgo as the Diamond of Downing Site this Autumn, however, it seems I was mistaken. Sagittarius is turning heads this autumn, but not because of their beauty or grace; we predict a wave of relaxation overcoming the Saggs. Always trust the urge to make your life simpler. You’ll feel fantastic.

Capricorn: The game is up, Capricorn - we know you’re the staircase’s resident sink pisser. But heed our words, this week your devious acts will go too far unless you reign it in. Someone special will come knocking on your door this week - you don’t want them to catch you with your trousers at your ankles!

Aquarius Power kicks have always been your thing, Aquarius. But stop obsessing over that JCR member we know you’ve got the hots for; it’s never going to happen! Stay away from those serious types, and keep your eyes peeled for a hunk of a Footlight instead - they’ll be more down-to-earth to match your free spirit.

Pisces you’re shy, Pisces - a social media hermit if you will. We know you hate Facebook, we know. But now is the time to be brave and send that Crushbridge you’ve always wanted to post - it’s a good week for a confession of love…

Aries: We know the student loan’s just hit, and we know you’re quitting smoking (apparently). But there’s no windfalls for you any time soon - you’d better budget a little extra this week, because before you know it you’ll be three squodkas in and popping into Mainsbury’s on your walk to Mash for a packet of Mayfairs yet again. Better luck next week!

Taurus: Slow down Taurus; you’re feeling a lot right now. Surround yourself with people that make you feel like yourself, not like the LinkedIn version of yourself. Remind yourself who you are and get on Depop instead. Grab a garm to cheer yourself up this Michaelmas.

Gemini: Gemini, how are we back to this once again. Make up your mind! You can’t do everything all the time; only a superhero could be a blue, a choral scholar, king of the ADC and get a first. Either learn to let things go, or chill out about not making things perfect. We predict a big, scary ultimatum that will help you change how you manage your time.

Cancer: Freshers’ Week is over but that doesn’t mean you have to get back to business hours right away. Let down those luscious locks and head to Sunday Lola’s. We’ve heard you can give the dance floor a run for its money. Unleash that inner BNOC, someone’s got an eye on your charming moves.

Leo If an invitation to a hill college house party comes flying your way, grasp the chance with both hands and hop on that Voi up the hill - you never know what adventures might await you, but we have a feeling you’ll be in luck…

Virgo: Take it easy babe; you’re so good at finding that balance between going out and staying in. Don’t worry about matching up to other feral student’s social calendars. You march to the beat of your own drum; if you need a night, or even a long weekend in, do it. Take that rest and mindful time and grab it by the handle. A cup of tea goes a long way in a stressful period.