Before leaving for Cambridge last year, I found myself in conversation with a friend’s dad, discussing his university experience, one similar to what I was anticipating, having attended both Stanford and MIT – and he was full of optimism. He told me that I would never have a greater opportunity to learn about myself and explore my interests than at university. This stuck with me. I was determined to make the absolute most of university from day one, but things didn’t go to plan.

After some unaddressed health concerns saw me pass out before heading into the dining hall for my matriculation dinner, it was clear that perhaps now was not the best time to pursue the rigour of a Cambridge degree. However, after a year of reflection at home, I found myself standing before the Downing College gates ready to start again, partially anticipating a repeat of last year.

“Things felt different – things were different – yet an undercurrent of doubt persisted”

I’d gone to considerable lengths to confront my anxiety during my year out, but on my return to Cambridge I didn’t fancy taking any risks. To avoid any unpleasant (albeit unexpected) flashbacks, it was made clear to my family that discussions of last time’s perils were strictly prohibited, as we readied to set sail for ‘take two’. Things felt different – things were different – yet an undercurrent of doubt persisted.

Like many others who have made the decision to intermit, I was accompanied by an overwhelming sense of déjà vu throughout the journey. Its presence intensified as we approached the city and saw the four spires of King’s College Chapel piercing the skyline from the motorway. It followed me through the college gates and to my new room. It remained loud but suppressed. Addressing that this was my second go at being a fresher naturally raised the question “why?” I’m more than comfortable talking about my own mental health, but for first impressions and during such an exciting period I didn’t want to dampen the mood. Without addressing so openly this was my second time, I talked to the new intake as if it were my first but it felt like wearing a mask, and so after a few days I began to wedge it into conversations as soon as I could.

Before long, I didn’t have to. My new year group noticed that I was oddly friendly with some of the year above, and in the small collegiate bubble it quickly became common knowledge. Those who find themselves in a similar position would be glad to hear that the impact was non-existent. After lifting the mask, my new acquaintances looked at me no differently. Addressing the impression I had given to acquaintances in the year above, however, wasn’t quite as straight forward. Like many, my year out was one of complete transformation. I renegotiated who I was and discarded who I was not. But I hadn’t at all considered how this new understanding of myself would interact with the impression I had given last year. The pressure to conform to what I believed was the image of me that I had created last year, soon crept in.

“Like many, my year out was one of complete transformation”

My interpretation of people’s perceptions of me began to dominate my thoughts. The decisions I made were no longer decided by me, but how I imagined I should be. Alongside these worries was the realisation: those who I had briefly made acquaintances with last year were now year-long friends, but I tried to act as if this time had never passed. A task made more complicated as I tried to steer a middle road between who I was, and who I thought I wanted to be.

For anybody who finds themselves in a situation like this, I offer this: expect the unexpected. My greatest concerns upon my return to Cambridge – addressing my intermission to my new year group, my academic work, and similar anxious episodes to last year – didn’t materialise. Having a prior understanding of what to expect upon my return offered a false sense of comfort and drew me to neglect the impact of having a changed understanding of myself, in a departed, unchanged space.

In a confused atmosphere like this, be sure to keep an open mind and allow your self-expression to direct who you are, and where you want to be. Our time at Cambridge is brief, made more so with our short terms and long workdays. Your own time here is precious, so do with it how you please. As several others have now confirmed, this really is our greatest opportunity to learn about ourselves and our interests, so we must harness it to our greatest ability.

Want to share your thoughts on this article? Send us a letter to letters@varsity.co.uk or by using this form