Every time I have sex with my situationship I get a UTI - how do I tell him I’m concerned about his hygiene?

It’s a tale as old as time. For too long has the drinks aisle of Mainsbury’s been stripped bare of cranberry juice thanks to the complete unwillingness of men to give their penises a proper wash in the shower. And as if it isn’t bad enough that it stings when you wee, you now have the task of gentle parenting your man-child into practising proper hygiene so that you, or whatever unfortunate creature he climbs into bed with next, may be spared the same fate. I suggest you start with some light subliminal messaging; when he’s not looking, swap his 5-for-1 tea tree shower gel with toiletries that don’t burn the first few layers of your skin off. If that still doesn’t work, it might be time to ditch the antibiotics and find yourself a new, hopefully cleaner, man.

“The ‘how? ’ and the ‘why? ’ and the ‘which hole? ’ are unimportant as long as you’re being safe and having fun”

The girl I’m sleeping with always tells me I’m the best she’s ever had, but she’s mid at best - how do I tell her?

Well, well, well, aren’t you cock of the walk? You’ve found yourself in the regrettable position of being the first man ever to be too good in bed. Before you do anything else, I’d suggest a pat on the back for this remarkable feat. I’ll admit, I’m a little confused as to why a sex god such as yourself is settling for a ‘mid’ bedroom partner, when surely you could bag yourself much better? A more fitting Agony Aunt submission would be ‘the line of women outside my door begging for sex is getting so long that porters have started to complain, what do I do? ’ Unless, of course, you’re grossly overexaggerating your abilities. Either way, communication is hot! Tell her what you like, tell her what you don’t like, and wait for the fireworks.

Does it make me gay if I let my girlfriend peg me?

Babe, it’s 2024! Gosh, I haven’t dealt with anything so trite as labels in YEARS. And, frankly, neither has anyone else. If you love your girlfriend, and you like having sex with her, you’re golden. The ‘how?’ and the ‘why?’ and the ‘which hole?’ are unimportant as long as you’re being safe and having fun! There’s nothing sexier than a man who refuses to be a slave to his masculinity, so power to you my friend.

I’m a baby lesbian and my girlfriend and I are both tops - HELP!

Never has a Varsity article caused so many straight people to run to Urban Dictionary, and I think that’s beautiful. There’s no easy solution to this dilemma. If you want to make things work with your girlfriend, you’ve got to have a chat and try to come (see what I did there?) to some kind of compromise. Maybe you could alternate! On the bright side, this could be a great chance to get creative in the bedroom and think of some new ways to get each other off. Having said that, sometimes two people just are not sexually compatible, and that’s something you have to decide for yourself.

What do I say if the guy I’m getting with refuses to wear a condom?

Let me guess, he says it ‘just doesn’t feel the same’ with a condom, or even better, he gives you some sob story about how he can just never find condoms big enough to fit his massive appendage. The heart bleeds. At least this question is a nice easy one to finish (last sex pun, I promise) on: you say goodbye. And maybe tell him his dick’s small while you’re there, just for funsies. Hope this helps!