After two years of being here, I have decided to finally answer the question: what do kebab shops actually put on their cheesy chips? After a night out, most of us have gone to Gardies or Uncle Franks for chips and thought “You know what? Why don’t I pay the extra £1, or sometimes £2.50 (!) for some nice cheese – what’s the harm, what’s the worst that could happen?”

At the time it seems worth it, but afterwards, something feels wrong. After all, it doesn’t look like any cheese I’ve ever seen. It kind of tastes like cheese, but not really. It certainly doesn’t cost the same as cheese. So after coming home last week I sat at my desk, and, after a long night of rabbit-holes, I eventually ended up on a local distributor’s website, expecting to find horrible things.

“What do kebab shops actually put on their cheesy chips”

Instead, I am told that their “White Grated Cheddar” contains just milk that comes from “UK farms”. As I read further, I am forced to agree that their cheese is in fact “bake stable” and provides a “textured melt” for the “perfect night-out snack”. Maybe I’m wrong. The cheese is probably just fine. I should carry on getting it. And even if it isn’t, who will believe me if I tell them it’s not?! They finish off with this: “Our cheese delivers a rich flavour. The best cheesy chips can get”. No. This I can’t accept. There must be better out there than this.

So what can you do? You can save the money and go without, but let’s be honest, you’re going to ask your friend for some of their cheese, aren’t you? Then they’ll get annoyed, and you’ll wish you had just paid the extra! You’ll get a reputation as a scrounger that will follow you for the rest of your time here, nay, the rest of your life.

If only there was some way to have free, supermarket-quality cheese on demand, no added cost, and instead, get the reputation of being a legend…

Personal Cheese Recipe

Ingredients:

• 1 block of cheddar (even the cheapest from Aldi is far more salty and delicious than the “White Grated”)

• Grater

• Small plastic bag, or a small Tupperware box

• A bag to carry, or a coat pocket if you’re crazy.

Method:

1. Grate the cheese into a bag. I recommend a sandwich bag. One big problem can be that the cheese all sticks together, so if you want to look like Marco Pierre White, then coat it with a bit of flour.

2. This is most important. When you wrap it up, don’t store it in your jeans pocket like some kind of animal, where the cheese will clump and smell. Ideal is a coat pocket or small bag. Make sure to stash it in a corner to make sure it doesn’t melt.

3. Feel amazing when you ask for just chips, before plonking the box down and adding your very own personal cheese.

4. Be careful about condiments; last Easter I brought a small pot of mayonnaise which exploded in my bag and made me smell of egg for the rest of the night.

5. Lastly, I would say: get creative with it. A few weeks ago, I brought out a small pouch of chopped green olives, which ended up being too much (I wouldn’t recommend, actually). Another time, though, I took some paprika in silver foil which was lovely. Try out different things.

You have nothing to lose. It saves money, tastes better, and is something to look forward to when you’re out.