Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, a Varsity reviewer sat tucked away in the corner of the ADC Theatre to review what she thought would be a fresh and funny retelling of a beloved fairytale. Did this year’s CUADC/Footlights panto deliver? Oh, no they didn’t. The writing (Lizzy Riley and Alice Roberts) was frankly uninspired and unfunny, and even the cast’s few standouts were left with nowhere to go.

Usually in this part of the review, I would lay out some context for the plot of the panto, but the show stayed disappointingly close to the original story of Snow White, save for the Seven Dwarfs being replaced with a rag-tag team of environmentalists – one of the show’s few wise choices. Although even this decision, which could have lent itself to some familiar references to current events (nothing about orange paint, really?), went nowhere.

“The jokes would not have been out of place on my nan’s Facebook page… eight years ago”

That’s not to say that the jokes didn’t land; a loud minority of the crowd reacted to even the most mundane of lines with uproarious laughter, but given their cheers as members of the cast that they recognised began to appear, it’s not difficult to guess where their enthusiasm came from. Jokes that did have legs took so long to get to the punchline that I often forgot what they were talking about by the time they got there. Even the script’s pop culture references, usually a safe pool of resources for panto writers to draw from, were outdated and in places offensive, including a confusing jab at Amanda Holden’s appearance which would not have been out of place on my nan’s Facebook page… eight years ago.

There was confusion throughout about who exactly the writers were expecting in the audience. Dame Trudy Wench (Marta Zalicka) was introduced as Snow White’s (Julia Da Costa) mother-figure, but Zalicka lacked the softness to really sell this, and the dropping in of occasional sexual innuendos made it hard to tell whether the panto was truly family-friendly or not. In fact, given that from a quick scan of the audience there were exactly no children present, the script probably would have benefitted from a little bit more filth to provide a welcome relief from the cringe.

Lyrically (Iona Luke) and musically (Stan Hunt and Jake Solway) the panto completely falls flat. The orchestra’s timing was clunky, forcing the cast to jump through hoops to predict the band’s next move, and at times it seemed like there was an unfamiliarity with the music that made it difficult to listen to mistakes. The lyrics were lost behind the noise of the score, but I gathered that most of the content was repetitive and humourless; Snow White wants to stop doing so many chores, the Queen wants to be beautiful, Prince Charming is a bit of a wet wipe – we get it. The cast was weak musically as well, with Evil Queen Grismerelda (Toby Trusted) providing the only truly admirable vocal performance of the evening.

“My favourite parts were when nobody was acting, speaking, singing, and the lights were off”

The standout actors were Thomas Sweeney as Happy, and Samuel McGuinness as Creepy, who despite being given some of the most boring scenes – the multiple audition scenes grew particularly tiresome – were committed and wry at all the right times. It’s just a shame that Sweeney’s sarcastic lines about the subpar quality of the pantomime were more true than they were funny. Sure, you can blame the rest of the cast’s poor acting on first night nerves, but presumably the script will still be the same tomorrow night.

Undoubtedly the most impressive part of the pantomime was the set design. Yasmin Herron-Isa did a truly spectacular job to create dynamic and beautifully painted scenic design, most notably the cottage-on-wheels which had been hollowed out to make room for the furniture of the Stardom Seven. It was unclear whether or not the clumsy scene changes (particularly the comically slow rolling out of the red carpet) were awkward on purpose, but they consistently drew genuine laughs from me, so credit where credit is due, regardless of intent. However it does say something about the quality of the rest of the panto that my favourite parts were when nobody was acting, speaking, singing, and the lights were off.

The pacing of the show was utterly incomprehensible. In what felt like a cruel trick, the interval came after less than 45 minutes, lulling the audience into believing that the show, although not very sweet, would at least be short. The second act went on to last more than an hour and twenty painful minutes, leaving me feeling genuinely fatigued by the end. The first act’s funniest moments came from Queen Grismerelda’s henchpeople, the Chanels, who mercilessly disappeared right when the audience needed them most – act two.

“I’m always a little bit disappointed when a panto does not cast a drag queen in the role of the Dame”

In an impossibly long ensemble number featuring the Stardom Seven – starring Funky (Kohuné Aziz-Kamara), who was inexplicably introduced to the show minutes before being written out of it again – the lights turned on the audience in a borderline hazardous move by the lighting designer (Edward De’Ath) which left my retinas maybe permanently damaged.

I’m always a little bit disappointed when a panto does not cast a drag queen in the role of the Dame, but George Dickenson as the Huntsman in a pink tutu will do, I suppose. The riotous reaction to this number would suggest that most of the audience have never actually seen a panto before and had never before been presented with the idea of a male character wearing traditionally female clothing, but if the audience had never seen a panto before, that at least explains why they enjoyed this one so much.

In a particularly exciting name-drop, Queen Grismerelda asked the audience to spot the reviewer to tell them how funny they were finding the show. As valiant an effort as this was, the last 40 minutes were so dragged out that I began to feel quite claustrophobic in my little corner of the theatre, and I left so quickly they wouldn’t have been able to catch me anyway.

‘Snow White’ is playing at the ADC Theatre from Wednesday 27th November until Saturday 7th December, at various times including matinees.